After Years of Trying, Miscarriage Is More Than a Loss—It’s a Breaking Point
“I literally always knew I wanted to be a mother” Heidi tells me, recalling the years she always had baby dolls with her.
Now a social worker in her 50s with a bright smile, and a mother of three, she still remembers her first miscarriage at age 21 with clarity. “My miscarriages were 30-plus years ago,” she shared, “and I can get right back to that feeling and place of devastation, shock, and…oh my God, like, ‘What if I can't be a mother?’” This is the core of the fear for so many on this journey.
After a series of grueling fertility interventions, she and her husband experienced another loss. The memory is seared into her body. “Both times, we found out because of an ultrasound. They took me down this long hall, and I remember feeling like, like I’m going to the death chamber.”
Even years later, the trauma resurfaced unexpectedly. When her teenage son needed an ultrasound for an injury, Heidi’s husband squeezed her hand and whispered, “I just want to vomit anytime I see any kind of ultrasound.”
As a psychotherapist working with women who are navigating fertility treatments, and then losing their pregnancy, their baby, I see the deep exhaustion, the sorrow, the losing themselves in the long and arduous process. It's like a battle ground with no one guiding the way for their hearts, their emotions. They deserve so much help and compassion through this intense time.
La Trisha, a nurse from Barbados with a radiant presence and a deep commitment to supporting grieving families, was told she would never conceive without IVF. After trying natural remedies, she did become pregnant—but later endured both miscarriage and later, the devastating loss of her infant son.
After her miscarriage, she said, “I felt like I could not enjoy my next pregnancy…the anxiety was so bad. Every appointment, every twinge, every pain, every spotting… it was driving me insane. I felt like, how am I gonna survive nine months of this? I can't even survive nine days.”
Her story is heartbreakingly common. Studies show that nearly a third of women experience PTSD symptoms within one month of an early miscarriage. And people struggling to conceive often report levels of depression comparable to those diagnosed with cancer.
To ease the pain, many find strength in community. Heidi credits the national support group Resolve as one of her first “initiations” into communal healing. For La Trisha, her grief motivated creating a holding space for others.
Her Facebook group, Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss Support for bereaved parents grew into a global community of nearly 90k members. This space and the need to be witnessed in grief certainly struck a chord in the community. “I just need people to be understanding,” she says. “We need grace to be ourselves and grieve the way we want to, to heal the way we want to.”
Other experts echo the need for big support for women going through perinatal loss. Licensed homebirth midwife Kath Ryn Berry in Sebastopol, CA shared, “Lack of support causes the biggest strain on the family. A few months after the loss - this is where people stop showing up. Support is needed not for a few months but for years.”
Whether someone is in the midst of fertility treatment or grieving silently after a miscarriage, one truth holds steady: you are not alone. And your grief—your very real, very human grief—deserves to be acknowledged, honored, and held with care.
Three Steps Toward Healing After Miscarriage and Fertility Trauma
1. Be kind to yourself
It is so common to blame one’s body for not “doing its job.” But healing begins by offering your body compassion and gratefulness for walking through all of this with you. Your body has carried immense physical and emotional weight—it deserves tenderness.
2. Seek a community that truly understands.
Grief softens when it is witnessed. Whether through a local support group, an online community, or a trusted friend, connection reduces isolation and restores dignity to experiences that often feel invisible.
3. Find a therapist
A trauma-informed therapist can help you grieve your losses, shift the trauma that might be keeping you up at night, and reconnect with a sense of self that often gets lost during fertility treatment.
Written By Jessica Malmberg, LMFT #128946 in Santa Rosa, CA. Jessica is a psychotherapist, a mom of 3, and an infant loss survivor. She loves supporting women in finding the ground, wisdom and the relief of grieving after a loss. For a free consultation, reach out at jessica@jessicamalmberg.com or go to jessicamalmberg.com
