The Crisis and Courage of Pregnancy After Loss
The Crisis and Courage of Pregnancy After Loss
After wanting children for many years, Leah, a therapist, became pregnant with twins, with the help of IVF. Her deepest dreams were coming true, and then she had to face the heart-wrenching loss of them at 21 weeks. “I was devastated,” she says. “I went straight to PTSD.”
Statistics show that 29% of women who go through pregnancy loss, miscarraige and stillbirth, develop PTSD. (https://www.ptsduk.org/what-is-ptsd/causes-of-ptsd/pregnancy-loss/) The loss is intense, personal and emobidied, and most women don’t get nearly enough support to help them heal and integrate the loss.
What helped Leah the most at this time was her community of Moms of Multiples. She recalls, “I was super depressed. Milk came in. I didn't know what to do. All these moms met me, brought food, paid for medical bills, brought the babies to the mortuary. The few of us who are loss moms. They still considered me to be part of the group.” Their showing up for helped her keep breathing through this time of unthinkable pain.
When Leah gathered her courage and became pregnant again through IVF, she found herself living in a suspended state of fear and hypervigilance. “Once we had the positive transfer, we were in crisis mode trying to keep the baby alive. I can’t leave it at home. It’s inside my body. It’s completely immersive.”
Research shows that within a year of a perinatal loss, 63% of mothers become pregnant again. For many, the new pregnancy arrives carrying not only hope, but also intense anxiety, depression, and a resurgence of grief. Culturally, we tend to rush women toward gratitude—"Congratulations!" "This is your rainbow!"—while skipping over the complexity of what it actually means to carry a pregnancy after losing a child. Mothers need to be acknowledged in the tenuousness and challenge of this time, not simply the joy.
Mothers walking through this pregnancy live with a unique kind of anxiety and fear, wanting to do anything they can to help this pregnancy, and knowing they don’t have much control over it. Leah faced several transfers that didn’t survive, and another pregnancy loss at four months, before walking through her full term pregnancy and holding her baby in her arms. The healing journey continues, helped by the life and love this little one has brought them.
As a therapist who works with moms navigating pregnancy after loss, I see this complexity every day. These moms are trying to hold love for the baby growing inside them while also honoring and grieving the child—or children—they will never get to raise. A crucial part of supporting these parents is helping them ground into the present moment while making space for their grief, not pushing it away.
Although counterintuitive in a culture that avoids pain, grieving openly during a subsequent pregnancy often relieves pressure and brings emotional clarity, including room for the joy of what may be next.
Leah describes early motherhood dreams that now feel bittersweet. “I had high hopes when I first started out. The idea was to be a younger parent. I wanted to be done with this part by the time I was in my mid-thirties… that didn’t happen for us.” Although the road has been long and unpredictable, Leah recently gave birth to a beloved baby, who was several months old when we spoke. She now stands as an advocate for “grieving out loud” and taking up the space that is so needed in this realm.
Pregnancy-after-loss doula Sarah puts it plainly: “I know firsthand that all society cares about is that you are a mom to living children. They could care less about the journey to that point.” But it’s precisely this journey that shapes who these mothers are becoming— aware of life’s preciousness and fragility, and aware of the true need for community support.
Below are key ways to support yourself—or someone you love—during a pregnancy after loss.
Be in the Moment
Your fears, your love, and your grief can coexist. You don’t have to choose one. Practicing grounding—slow breathing, leaning against a tree, or quietly acknowledging “I’m here right now, and so is this baby”—helps you land in the moment. Being present isn’t about pretending everything is okay; it’s about meeting this moment with compassion.
Gather Your Community
Identify the people who can handle the emotional terrain you’re walking. These are the friends who check in, and who let you show up exactly as you are. Send them a text when you feel afraid. Naming the fear aloud brings relief. Pregnancy-after-loss groups on Instagram or Facebook can also help you feel less alone inside an experience that can otherwise feel isolating.
Find a Therapist Who Understands Loss
A therapist trained in grief and trauma can be invaluable during a pregnancy after loss. Many clients come to me irritated by platitudes like “lightning doesn’t strike twice.” What they need is not reassurance but a safe place to unravel the fear, rebuild trust in their bodies, and develop emotional muscles being with this pregnancy one day at a time. Weekly support creates room for both allowing grief to flow and wonder to grow.
For Information about our annual Retreat for Pregnancy and Infant Loss, April 10th and 11th 2026 in Sebastopol, CA click HERE
By Jessica Malmberg, LMFT #128946
jessica@jessicamalmberg.com
