When Your Adult Child Loses a Baby: How to Offer Support That Truly Helps

When your adult child is suffering through the loss of their own child, it’s a deep and multi-layered heartache. As their parent, all you want to do is comfort them, help them through this endless void, let them know how much you love them. And yet there is so little you can actually DO for them to ease their pain.

This is something we don’t learn in modern times - how to help people BE in deep sadness. Most commonly we have been taught to focus on the positive, help people see the bright side, pop them into a place of more ease, tell them to be grateful for what they have.

With child loss, there simply isn’t a way to help them feel happy again, for a long time; the pain is too great, the longing for their child is too strong. What your adult children really need here is to be allowed to be in their sadness for as long and as deeply as they need to be. And to know that you are there with them, accepting their sorrow, and willing to be with them in it. This is actually a gift of great value.

Perhaps this example will help illustrate where they are at - imagine that they were healing from a physical accident, that they were in traction and their bones were healing very slowly. You wouldn’t tell them they should go out more, or be more social. Understanding that their inner self is just as shattered as this, may help you picture that their heart needs a great deal of time to heal from the grief and trauma they are walking through. They are in a fragile place, and very slowly being put back together.

Here are some guidelines to help you support them in the very difficult and non-intuitive path of allowing their suffering, and coming alongside them in this place.

1) Allow their need for quiet and space. Grieving parents need a lot of time to integrate something that is almost impossible to accept. If they say they need to stay home, to rest, if they don’t feel like talking, support them in this as a path of healing.

2) Respect their nervous systems. They are very raw and the world feels incredibly intense and fast for them. It is like moving through the world with no skin. Let them be slow, and support their limit with how much they can take out in the world.

3) Notice your inner wish for them to smile or show you they are ok. It is SO natural to want this from them, to see that they will survive. And, it’s gotta be OK that they aren’t OK for a while. (Megan Devine’s book It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand is a great resource for understanding sudden loss and grief.)

There are some ways you can actively support your child in this time as well.

Bringing them simple, warm, digestible food is a wonderful support. It is so hard to make food, to remember to eat, in a time of such darkness. Ask if you can do dishes or clean the house, and respect their answer.

It may feel like you’re going to make things worse, but it can actually be very healing to hear a loved one reflect to them, “This is so painful, I’m so sorry it’s so hard.” These words show that you understand the place they are in, and that you accept them where they are, right now. This can create a sense of safety and acceptance between you that is a balm for the heart.

Sitting with them quietly, in their pain, and breathing through the discomfort that arises in you is another valuable and subtle gift. If you feel panicked or afraid, feel your feet on the earth, breathe, and allow the awkwardness inside to be there. Remember that your presence is what is helpful, not necesarrily your words.

Finding your own support, whether with a friend, a grief therapist or a grief group (hospice usually offers them), is so important and deserved. Expressing your own sorrow about the loss of your grandchild, about seeing your child in such suffering, is going to help you and your child. This kind of sorrow is not meant to be carried alone. The more you tend to yourself, the more you will have to offer them.

I know that you are walking a road you never wanted to go down. I commend you for your loving heart, your wish to help. This is a truly beautiful thing. I wish you so much support and room for what this road has for you, and that you will find sweetness in supporting your child in these subtle put powerful ways.

Jessica Malmberg, LMFT, is a therapist for pregnancy loss and infant loss in Santa Rosa, CA, a mom of 3, and has walked the road of infant loss for 18 years.

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